


Time to Let Go

by Candlestick101



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Coping with Death, Fuckbuddies, Hurt/Comfort, Jamilton - Freeform, Past Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens, Past Character Death, Past Relationship(s), Trust Issues, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-11-08 05:13:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17975108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Candlestick101/pseuds/Candlestick101
Summary: Thomas finds Alexander working later than he was supposed to, on the anniversary of his boyfriend's death and offers a shoulder to cry on.





	Time to Let Go

Alexander checked the time again. 

11:43.

He knew he was supposed to leave work hours ago, but the day was almost over. Might as well spend the whole day here in his dark, messy office. Papers and pens were scattered everywhere, but that wasn’t anything new. 

Alexander typed and he typed on his laptop, endlessly. Ignoring how his stomach grumbled, and how his eyes stung at the sight of the bright, blue light, and the pain caused by the awful cramps that plagued his hands. He wasn’t exactly working on anything of importance since he had finished up his most recent assignment a while ago. He was typing down whatever he could, a description of what his messy office used to look like, what he ate for lunch the past week, a list of the stupidest baby names his mind could come up with. Just anything. He needed to keep his busy mind occupied. 

Today was the second anniversary of his boyfriend’s death. He didn’t want to think about it. Because as soon as he gets himself started on that, there’s no stopping. So he had to write, he had to write as an escape from the horrid thoughts that he refused to let pester him. 

He didn’t stop until he heard a strange thumping noise coming from outside his office door. Shit. Nobody was even supposed to be here at this time. 

Alexander squeezed his eyes shut and slowly got up from his seat. His heart practically pounding out of his chest. He was afraid the intruder would be able to hear how loud his heart was beating. Who could this intruder be, he thought as he stood up and opened his eyes back up. He grabbed the lid of his laptop and quickly shut it to get rid of the painfully bright light. He visibly cringed as he realized how much noise he had just made.

The small man took a deep, shallow breath and began to tip-toe out of his office. Every small step was closer to freedom, as soon as he got to the door he was going to sprint out of there at the speed of light. Easily avoiding whatever danger that could be lurking in the cover of darkness. But before he could even reach the door a large, dark figure appeared right in front of him, causing Alexander to let out a frightened scream. 

The figure grabbed onto Alexander’s wrist with an iron grip and clasped their hand over Alex’s mouth to muffle his scream. This only caused him to panic, even more, letting out blood-curdling screams and thrashing around with the all he had left.

“SHH! Hamilton, calm down! It’s just me, it’s just Thomas!” The figure cried out, looking down at the smaller man. “I was just here to pick something up. Why the hell are you here? Work ended hours ago,” Thomas exclaimed, releasing Alexander’s arm and removing his hand from his mouth.

Alexander took a step back from the Virginian, rubbing his wrist and glaring at him.

“Why the fuck should I tell you? It’s none of your business anyways,” he hissed. “You scared the living shit out of me!”

It was true. With Hamilton’s current state, his senses were all out of whack. All the sudden contact shook him up even more.

Thomas sighed and rolled his eyes. He already knew where this was going.

“Please tell me you weren’t working. I already know that’s what you were doing, but seriously. At this time? This has got to be an all new low for you, Hamilton–”

“I wasn’t working!” He interrupted. “Go pick whatever shit up and leave-”

Thomas sighed again and reached to grab Alexander’s arm again, only for Alex to pull away. 

“Stop! I’m not going home, leave me alone!” Alexander shouted, pushing Thomas away from him. Trying to make some space between the two. “Today’s not the day, Tommy. Just leave me alone,” he pleaded, staring up at him. 

Thomas simply shook his head and took a step back, seeing as Alexander wanted some more space. He leaned against the wall. He knew there’s no way in Hell that he’s going to leave Alexander alone like this. The man was obviously tired out. He could barely stand on his own two feet. 

“Why don’t you tell me about it..?”

Something about his tone convinced Alexander. If anybody knew him well, it was Thomas. Well.. their relationship was strange. It was something unique. Thomas knew how to calm him and soothe him, but he also knew exactly how to excite him and piss him the fuck off. But, he actually didn’t know anything about him. About his past and about his struggles. Alexander could rant and rave about almost anything, except for that. He always kept quiet about his past. And the more quiet Alexander was about his past, the more Thomas wanted to learn about it.

Alexander looked back at his chair and slowly sat back down, with a sigh. He hated talking about his past, hated the pitiful looks he’d get from people who would never truly understand, hated the way he’d get choked up speaking about it. He did not want Thomas to pity him and see him so weak, but then again… he did. He longed for comfort, but there was always something that pulled him back from allowing himself to be comforted by other people. He feared allowing people to get so close to him because it has happened over and over and over again; Alexander lets someone get close and they either abandon him or die…

He was conflicted as whether or not to take the risk and let Thomas get close. 

Thomas, of course, could sense Alexander’s uneasiness and pushed himself off from the wall, taking a few short strides towards the immigrant who froze up as Thomas got close.

“Alexander,” he started, with a short sigh. “I want to be able to help you go through… whatever it is you're going through…”

“I’m fine!” Alexander choked out. “I’m perfectly capable of handling my own problems! I don’t need your pity!”

Thomas took a quick step back at Alexander’s sudden outburst, raising his hands up defensively. “I’m not pitying you! I only want to help you!”

“I don’t want your help! I don’t need your help! I don’t need anyone’s help! I’m not weak!” He shouted, genuinely offended. How dare this man barge into his office during the one time today that he had been in actual peace and then insult him like this?!

“I know! I get it, Hamilton! I’m not saying you’re weak, but asking for help is human. There is nothing wrong with that.”

“I don’t want your help,” Alexander spat out as he got up from his chair and made a beeline for the door.

Thomas suppressed an annoyed groan and rubbed his face. Alexander truly was insufferable. He had only offered a shoulder to cry on and he took it as an insult. Of fucking course. “Listen, I’m not saying you’re weak. I’m offering you help because I’m not the bad person some people think I am. I don’t like to see you so stressed, knowing that I could help.”

That got Alexander to stop for a second and take a small, shuddering breath as his nerves slowly calmed back down. “Help how?” He whispered.

Thomas smiled a little at the sight of Alexander actually calming down. “First I need you to sit down and tell me what’s going on before I can figure out how to help.”

Much to Thomas’s surprise, Alexander listened. He reluctantly made his way back into his office and sat back down in his squeaky chair.

“If it’s too much for you, it’s okay to stop and take a deep breath. I’m not trying to force any information out of you,” Thomas said, leaning against the wall and locking eyes with Alexander, who dropped his to the floor and nodded.

There was a short period of complete silence as Alexander compiled his thoughts, attempting to figure out the most articulate way to spill out all that information.

“I.. I was in love once,” Alexander whispered, daring to look up and make eye contact with Thomas. Thomas meant… something to him after numerous nights spent together, but he considered Thomas as just a fuck buddy. It wasn’t until now, that he saw the slight heartbreak in Thomas’s eyes, that he realized that maybe he felt something for his co-worker.

Maybe he phrased that wrong.

“N-not that I haven’t been in love other times,” Alexander explained quickly, shooting his eyes to the ground. “No. I meant- I-I meant… I..”

“Alex, calm down,” Thomas consoled, walking over to him and cupping his face and forcing the smaller man to make eye contact with him.

Alexander darted his eyes to the side. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean that I don’t love you… I-I don’t really... know if I love you. I sound stupid, don’t I?”

“No, no, no. You don’t,” Thomas said, shaking his head. “I understand. I’m not the same as… whomever this mystery person was. You don’t have to love me. I understand completely if you feel like I’m replacing them and you don’t want that. I’ve felt that way before, so there’s no need to apologize, at all… Anyways, this isn’t about our relationship. This is about helping you.”

Alexander squeezed his eyes shut and allowed himself to lean into Thomas’s touch. Thomas’s words were soothing to his ears and let him relax before starting anew. 

“I loved a man by the name of John Laurens,” he whispered. He peeked his eyes open to look for more assurance from Thomas, who nodded, signaling him to continue on. “He was like nobody else I’ve ever met. He was brave, selfless, he hadn’t a fear in the world. With him, I would always feel safe. H-he just… he knew how to comfort me when I was at my lowest points. He understood me like no one else could. He had such incredible patience with me. Every second I spent with him felt perfect. I felt like he was made for me,” he began, closing his eyes again. He let himself remember the countless days he spent, laying around the house, curled up with John by his side. His love for that man was indescribable. 

“But all good things come to an end. I should’ve known that. He was brash and had no desire for self-preservation. That’s what got me so mad at him, sometimes... He was just as stubborn as me,” Alex continued. “And-and one day… one day he left to go get groceries and the next thing I know… he’s dead. Shot in an alleyway. Apparently, he had seen a man getting mugged and rushed over to help him, little did he know the assailant had a gun. My John was killed, trying to save another life..”

Dread filled up Thomas’s body. He did not know how to begin to come up with an appropriate response to all that. Alexander had lost someone dear to him, maybe that is why he is so afraid to love, he thought. “And… you’ve never gotten together with anyone since?” He questioned. 

Alexander slowly shook his head.

Exactly. “I’ve been there before. I had a wife,” Thomas admitted, allowing himself a small smile as he saw Alexander’s sudden pique in interest. 

“When… when she passed away, I was devastated. I tried to push myself away from everything that reminded me of her. I focused only on my work, thinking I was better off making myself useful rather than brooding for the rest of my life. Of course, that did not work out. You have to learn to move on. Don’t try to force yourself to forget John, like I tried to forget Martha. You never will. And… that’s a good thing. We need to keep ourselves going. Life is going to continue to throw obstacles at us, but we’re going to keep going. Think about it, John wouldn’t want you to spend the rest of your days working yourself to death, would he?”

Alexander sniffled and shook his head. “He wouldn’t…”

“Then, get up. Wounds like this, never fully heal, but we can always try. How about we both go grab a drink?”

Grabbing a drink with Thomas Jefferson sounded like an appalling thing to do at the beginning of their relationship, but… maybe Thomas wasn’t so much of a bad guy. Maybe his advice does have some value. Maybe it’s time to truly let go...

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading. Comments and kudos are my lifeblood! Sorry for any mistakes, English is not my first language oof.


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